My Two Weeks Notice

How to Make Your Employees Hate You

“An Excerpt from An Idiot’s Guide to Management”

Congratulations! You have now successfully gained a management position at a low level restaurant business. “What’s next?” you might ask. It is important that you now make your employees hate you. As the employer- you should be feared. You are the rightful king of these minimum wage peasants. Although you yourself are a high school dropout, it is essential that you squash and squander the hope from these bright-eyed, bushy-tailed future college graduates.

Step One: Intimidation is key. Employees should feel your power the second they clock in. The easiest way to go about this is to force them to wear demeaning outfits. Bowties, stiff and restricting shirts (especially white, so they must wear their mistakes), or uncomfortable hats are essential. If they are not embarrassed to be seen in their uniforms- you are not doing your job.  Be certain they are uncomfortable as well, the discomfort will make them resent you and your power to wear street clothes. For example, choose uniforms that are made of some sort of blend of polyester, plastic, and sadness. Consider dressing both genders in the same uniform; hereby  removing any individuality, and making the employees feel more dehumanized.

Step Two:  As an employer of minimum wage teens- punishment is your best friend. If they are not afraid of what you might do, your workers will not stay in line, or worse, quit. It is best to always overreact. Creating a big deal out of a small mistake will discourage all future ones. Choose a mistake so ridiculous that the employees don’t really know what to think, such as pointing the meat on their plate the wrong direction when serving dinner. Repeat phrases such as “You’re all idiots!” “Do you realize how easy it is to replace you?!” and “ I will light you on fire if you do that again!” Consider throwing objects at your employees, to assert your dominance like a mighty silverback gorilla. Carefully grasp an item and hurl it at the peasants. Good items to throw include: a roll of paper towels, your clipboard, your hat, your dignity, or really whatever is nearest to your hands. **CAUTION- do not attempt to throw items made of glass or porcelain, as this could cause a scene. As an undereducated manager, lawsuits are not your friend.**

Step Three: To be a more successful dictator  manager, it is important to pick one employee to be your favorite. Although it is understandable that someone of your stature would find it degrading to associate with a teenage worker, it is of the utmost importance. When you pick an employee to be your “pet” make sure it is an employee that the others hate. Better yet, hire one of your own spawn to be the favorite. This will help to keep the other peasants in line. Although it is beneath you to speak to them, the act of raising one of the pawns up makes the others angry, and lets them think that they have a chance to move up as well. Ha.

Step Four: Always be secretive with your scheduling. Better yet, don’t post a schedule at all. The power is all in your hands. You have the ability as the boss to call them in to work whenever you wish. It is not your problem if they claim that their grandmother just died or that their arms just disintegrated due to Ebola. If they complain, threaten them. Realize that your employees are under certain restrictions as students, but don’t make any attempt to accommodate their school/sports schedules.  Never let the employees know exactly when they will be called in to work.  That kind of power would surely go to their heads. They must know that their puny social lives are in your control.

Step Five: After all of the yelling hard work you have been doing, it is important that you, the boss, take some time to yourself. Relaxation is key. Make sure that you do your relaxation in front of your lowly subjects (although it is disgusting, include your “favorite employee,” it will infuriate the others). You have been straining your voice for literally thirty minutes. Kick back and crack open a cold beer. Violate health codes by smoking feet from a commercial kitchen. It shows your workers that you don’t mess around. It is important to make sure nothing distracts you at this time.  Ignore any employee questions. You pay them to do a simple job, they certainly shouldn’t need anything from you.  

Step Six:  Remember sir/ma’am, you are the monarch of your business. It is your duty to make weekly proclamations. Your employees thrive and depend on them. Change up rules frequently to keep them on their toes. It is essential that they are never really sure what it is you want from them. Always contradict yourself. For example, put up an angry notice about employees coming late to work one day. The next day, put up a sign reprimanding the employees for coming too early to work and clogging up the kitchen. Then, watch their tiny heads explode.

Step Seven:  As you are legally obligated to provide your employees with breaks, make sure they don’t enjoy them. Force them to eat their lunches in degrading places. Do not let them think they are real people by giving them tables or chairs. It is best to have them sit and eat in a dark closet. Don’t give them furniture- instead have them sit on milk crates or boxes of frozen vegetables. Never take your eyes off of them at this time. The workers must be aware you are always watching, so sit nearby and stare at them intently. Do not let them rest for more than 5-8 minutes. During this time, it is important that remind them how many minutes are left in their break, quite loudly. Doing so will make them look forward to going back to work, just so they are not under your constant gaze.

By now, the lowly worker bees probably hate you at least a little bit, and it is definitely time for you to relax again. Why don’t you go have them scrub the floors with toothbrushes or start yelling at them that the garbage isn’t clean enough as a finishing touch? You are well on your way to becoming the most feared and hated boss in your community! Continue reading for the next chapter on How to Infuriate Your Customers, and How to Keep the Health Inspector From Noticing the Dead Rats.

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I never sent this to anyone, but I really considered sending this in as my two weeks notice at my awful part time job. Have you ever had a job so dreadful you've considered moving away to avoid going?